at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You took a bar mat shot.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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