I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
