Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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