if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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