My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
