**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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