Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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