I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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