I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
