Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
