i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i think i just lost a toe
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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