How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
