pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
