I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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