I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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