I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
