I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
