Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
