just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
