I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
they're like a gay fantastic four
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
