Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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