this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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