I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So much Jack, so little girl.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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