She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
