is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
