I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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