Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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