And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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