hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
