I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
