I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
