I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
