sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
