put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
