This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
