im six kinds of drunk right now
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
why do cheetos always look like penises
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
