One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
