my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
