shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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