i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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