it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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