Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
