if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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