I'm so fucking centered right now
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
