dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
