my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
