im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
