my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
