Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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