in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize