just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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