She said her name was "party"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Randomize
