I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
