Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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