Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
