looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
