Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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