Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
