He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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