if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize