My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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