how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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